Phantom of the Opera: What not to do
by Wild Concerto
Summary: The title said it all: wht not to do if ever you find yourself in the middle of POTO. Rated T because I'm paranoid.


**Okay.**

**So I did this after reading a one-shot by Ace of Gallifrey where she did the same thing, but with Love Never Dies. Go and check it out, it's insanely hilarious. **

**I'm mixing in here the musical and the movie, so just to make it clear, there's a part for both, a part for only the 2004 movie, and a part only for the musical (25****th**** anniversary version, to be more precise.) **

**You can give me other ideas by reviewing, I'll edit and add them, and credit you at the same time, and I'll add if I get more ideas myself. **

**Enjoy ;)**

* * *

**In general**

I will not teach Erik to sing _Defying Gravity_.

Though it would be absolutely epic.

I will not introduce Christine to Amy Pond.

I will not teach Christine to sing _Bad Romance_ instead of _The Point of No Return_.

I will not body-swap Mme Giry and La Carlotta.

Though it's insanely hilarious whatever version.

And I won't body-swap Christine and La Carlotta either, because I don't want to get punjabed.

I will not teach Erik to sing _Someone Like You_.

I will not tell Erik that one day, he'll be composing vaudeville crap because once again, I don't want to get punjabed.

I will not tell Christine unmasking a masked guy isn't really smart.

I will not let Erik drink any coffee or Redbull or anything like that.

I will not teach Christine to sing _I Knew You Were Trouble_.

I will not teach Erik to sing _Boyfriend_.

And I won't teach it to Raoul either.

I will not put Weight Watchers pamphlets in Piangi's dressing room.

I will not tell Christine that it's dangerous to wander off with strangers.

I will not tell Christine that no one really takes her daddy issues seriously.

I will not teach the ballerinas from _Hannibal _or _Don Juan Triumphant _to twerk.

I will not teach Erik to sing _Born This Way_.

I will not attach Miley Cyrus to the chandelier, in the same position like in _Wrecking Ball_.

I will not tell Erik to yell: "TIMBER!" when the chandelier falls.

I will not tell Erik his disfigurement could have been worse. Like a skull-looking face.

I will not ask Sweeney Todd to shave Raoul.

Even if Erik promised me to pay me in hugs.

I will not introduce Erik to Joffrey Baratheon.

Even though his number of fans would increase drastically if he punjabed Joffrey.

I will not introduce the Eleventh Doctor to Mme Giry.

Because that would mean he would show her his dance moves.

I will not tell Christine the Phantom has a name and that it's Erik.

I will not put on _Party Rock Anthem _during the Masquerade.

I will not put on _Gangnam Style _either.

And I will not teach everyone how to break dance during the Masquerade.

I will not put the Empire theme from _Star Wars _when Erik comes in as the Red Death.

I will not let La Carlotta or Mme Giry sing _The Point of No Return_ with Erik instead of Christine.

Even if it would be hilarious.

And I won't disguise Raoul as Christine for _The Point of No Return _either.

Because it would have really bad consequences.

I will not introduce Erik to Rumplestilkskin.

Because once again, it would have really bad consequences.

I will not introduce Christine to Bella Swan.

And I won't introduce her to Katniss Everdeen either.

I will not ask Erik how he got an organ down in the undergrounds.

I will not tell Christine _Music of the Night _can be interpreted sexually.

I will not peek into Erik's diary.

Especially not on the night Christine was there.

* * *

**25****th**** anniversary edition**

I will not ask Mme Giry why Meg looks older than she is.

I will not tell Mme Giry she reminds me of Nanny McPhee.

I will not introduce the Eleventh Doctor to Erik.

Because they would start talking about hats.

I will not tell Erik he looks like Freddy Krueger, because I don't want to get punjabed.

I will not tell Meg she's annoying when she shouts about Erik.

Because I'm sure a lot of phangirls would do the same thing.

Maybe I would do that…

I will not tell Mme Giry a sparkly cape and feathers aren't enough of a costume for a Masquerade.

Unless she's dressed up as a crow.

I will not ask Meg or Raoul why they aren't asking themselves if Christine is schizophrenic.

* * *

**2004 movie**

I will not tell Erik you can find a remedy to sunburns.

I will not cut Raoul's hair during his sleep.

I will not tell Erik Meg might be his daughter.

Because that is so not true.

I will not tell Firmin and André they kind of remind me of Willy Wonka.

I will not tell Christine her rose costume for the Masquerade (not even sure it's actually a rose costume) is kind of uncreative.

And I won't tell her that her coming as a rose is kind of sending the wrong message to rose-sending Erik…

I will not tell Erik his makeup for the Masquerade kind of reminds me of a panda.

I will not tell Christine, Raoul and Mme Giry that Erik was ogling Meg during the ballet in _Il Muto_.

I will not ask Erik if he has something to do with Meg's boob dress in _Don Juan Triumphant_.

And it's no use of asking that for Christine's own boob dress because the answer is pretty obviously affirmative.

I will not knock out Mme Giry so she won't get Meg when she goes through the mirror.

I will not ask Erik HOW he got a horse in the undergrounds.

I will not ask Erik if I can have his croaking recipe.

I will not ask Erik what he does with the Christine doll off camera.

Because I don't want to do nightmares.

I will not ask Erik how he got the swan bed down in his lair.


End file.
